As I stare at the empty word document, my cursor smugly blinking at me, I am reminded of the ways in which perfectionism gets in the way of creativity. The idea that art is only worthy of creation if it’s perfect quite literally stunts our growth. I didn’t set out with the intention of writing on the topic of perfectionism. Actually, to be honest, I was writing about an entirely separate topic, but felt stuck, cemented and paralyzed with indecision rooted in the myth of perfectionism. In moments like this I am confronted with how perfectionism paralyzes my desire to move forward, leaving me stuck, and how it so easily devastates our ability to show up as our messy and imperfect selves. 

Shafran et al (2002) proposed a cogntive-behavioural definition of clinical perfectionism as “the overdependence of self-evaluation on the determined pursuit of personally demanding, self-imposed, standards in at least one highly salient domain, despite adverse consequences”. In other words, we set extremely high standards for ourselves and put extreme pressure on ourselves to meet said standards. We often judge ourselves and become quite self-critical. As you can imagine, this often leaves us quite imperiled, given that our sense of self hinges on something so external and in many cases unattainable. Within this framework of clinical perfectionism, Shafran et al (2002) suggest that individuals who struggle with perfectionism set extremely high standards for themselves, and if these expectations are not met, they view this as a personal failure and often react with self-criticism. However, if they do meet these expectations, their standards are “reevaluated” as not being demanding enough. There’s simply no winning.

Where do these beliefs come from? Research shows that our early experiences often play a significant role in developing perfectionistic tendencies (Kelly, 2015). What are some messages you have received about perfectionism in your childhood and early adolescence? How does this shape your views and self-evaluation today? I grew up with childhood obsessive compulsive disorder which only came to light in hindsight when I was assessed for ADHD as an adult. I didn’t recognize it as OCD but the more I know and understand, the more it makes sense. In addition to the immense shame I experienced in response to distressing intrusive thoughts, it also contributed to some behaviours that were perfectionistic in nature. I remember in middle and high school, compulsively rewriting my notes to ensure they were neatly written and free of spelling errors and mistakes, despite no one else seeing them. In addition, common core beliefs associated with ADHD is the thought of not being good enough. This became a perfect storm for my perfectionism to thrive. This need for perfection gave me a false sense of control that was directly linked to developing an eating disorder in adolescence and early adulthood. 

Expanding to a structural perspective or macro-lens in our understanding of perfectionism, this influence also happens at a societal level. We are socialized and influenced by systems rooted in capitalism which teach us to believe that our worth is intrinsically dependent on our contribution or productivity level. Depending on our positionality in society, some are more impacted than others. I often think of the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers. These societal norms are further propelled by gender norms and patriarchal values, which may sound arbitrary to some but lead to very real implications of inequitable divisions of labour within families which disproportionately affect women. These expectations lead to perceived failure (AKA “mom guilt”)  for not meeting these unrealistic expectations. Perfectionism isn’t an individual failing, it is a social phenomenon that allows capitalism and patriarchal values to thrive.   

While perfectionism in itself is not a mental health disorder it does have connections to many mental health concerns and presentations. For example, research shows perfectionism is a significant risk factor for developing anorexia, bulimia, and several types of anxiety disorders, it can sometimes exacerbate depressive disorders and hinder treatment of depression, and it is an integral component of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. 

Perfectionism hinders us from taking safe risks, stepping outside of our comfort zones, and living a life filled with vulnerability and authenticity. Navigating a life so disentangled with social media and the virtual world also sets us up for failure. Seeing perfectly curated and manufactured versions of life online sells us on an illusion of a “clean” and aesthetically pleasing life that isn’t an accurate or healthy representation. If we are measuring ourselves against a baseline that isn’t even authentic, realistic, or true, what kind of impact does that have on us? 

So if we recognize ourselves falling into the perfection fallacy, what can we do? There are many interventions and strategies designed to address perfectionism. If you yourself, a client, or someone you know struggles with perfectionism, it can be helpful to consider the following reflective questions:

• Where, when, and how does my sense of perfectionism show up? 
• Where are its roots? Describe a time I first recall experiencing beliefs or urges associated with perfectionistic tendencies? (When have I felt like not enough?)
• What messages did I get growing up about standards and expectations?
• How does perfectionism help and harm me?
• What are some small ways I can begin to reframe and challenge perfectionistic messages and tendencies? 
• What is an example of a perfectionist statement? (Think about when you make a mistake or don’t meet your standards – what does your self-talk sound like?) How can I reframe this message to incorporate more self-compassion? 

Kelly (2015) also suggests being more process oriented instead of outcome oriented in our expectations and goals we set for ourselves. Process oriented goals tend to focus more on the how, whereas outcome-oriented goals tend to involve the what, or the result. For example an outcome-oriented goal would be something like “I am going to get an A on my science test”, and a process-oriented goal would be “I am going to study for 1 hour every evening this week to prepare for my science test”. Process-oriented goals tend to increase motivation, and are often focused on activities and tasks within our control, whereas outcome-based goals depend on a variety of factors and variables. Another suggestion made by Kelly (2015) involves how we approach mistakes. It can be really helpful to reframe mistakes and challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. World renowned social psychology researcher, Carol Dweck (2006) coined the terms “growth mindset” and “fixed mindset” to illustrate these concepts. To summarize, the fixed mindset assumes that our qualities are fixed, static, or permanent whereas a growth mindset believes our abilities and qualities to be malleable and adaptive, and furthermore that our challenges or limitations may be opportunities for growth and learning. I often explore this concept of cognitive flexibility in developmentally appropriate ways in my work with children by borrowing from the Zones of Regulation curriculum (Kuypers, 2011). This concept is explored by comparing the notion of fixed mindset to a rock (“rock brain”) and growth mindset (“superflex” thinking) to Play Doh or clay. I bring these items in and invite children to notice and describe their differences. We then explore self-talk statements and practice identifying whether the statements capture “rock brain” or “superflex” thinking. 

With older youth, we tend to explore this from the standpoint of “cognitive distortions” – though I am not a fan of that term. I personally feel as though it comes across as quite blaming, but use the term, word, or phrase that best fits your experience. Those who struggle with perfectionistic tendencies tend to exhibit “all-or-nothing” thinking patterns which involve viewing ourselves, others, and situations in extremes or absolutes. For example, someone believing if they don’t get a promotion, it means they are the worst employee, or someone making one mistake and thinking their whole goal is ruined. We have all experienced negative beliefs or thinking patterns at one time or another. I feel that it’s more empowering to normalize these thoughts (rather than labelling them ‘distortions’) and then begin to expand our thinking to incorporate elements of self-compassion. Self-compassion is a stark contrast to the self-critical judgement which often accompanies perfectionism. It invites us to meet ourselves with kindness, love, and understanding. Dr. Kristin Neff, an education psychology researcher and the first to devise an operational definition for self-compassion describes how self-compassion “involves framing one’s experiences of imperfection in light of the shared human experience, accepting that all people struggle in some form or another” (Neff & Knox, 2017, p. 1). Perfectionism loves to latch on to that self-critic that exists within all of us, but self-compassion invites us to offer love and healing to this part of ourselves that feels we aren’t enough.

In my own personal experience, I try to notice my self-talk. I don’t always get it right, but when I notice that internal self-judgement or blame emerging, I try to gently shift into a more self-compassionate lens. This shift is rooted in care, rather than shame or blame. It sounds cliche, but I often go back to the check-in question of would I speak to a friend this way? If the answer is no, why not? The world can certainly be harsh and cold at times, I think it’s important to try to cultivate a relationship with ourselves that feels safe and loving. I also try to break large goals down into smaller, more manageable tasks. I encourage clients to do the same. I think it’s important to set goals that align with our values. When I make a mistake, I try to reframe it as an opportunity to learn and grow. This doesn’t mean invalidating our feelings. I try to make space for the disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, or hurt I might be feeling and then engage in critical self-reflection of what lessons I can take, what I can do differently next time, etc. Full disclosure: on paper this process sounds much more graceful than it sometimes looks. In fact, this process is often chaotic and messy. I am only human too, and I don’t always get it “right”. It’s all part of accepting our imperfections.  

In working with clients (and in trying to practice what I preach) I encourage exposure activities to face and approach mistakes and unlearn perfectionism. I think this process is valuable and pivotal in shifting our relationship with making mistakes as well as unlearning perfectionistic tendencies. It could be something simple like colouring outside the lines of a picture, and learning to sit with and begin tolerating the discomfort. Perhaps it’s making a mistake or saying the wrong thing in a conversation with someone and reconfiguring the pressure we put on ourselves. Maybe we leave that typo in an email and accept that the world kept on spinning in spite of it all. I think it’s important to recognize that there are valid reasons we get stuck in perfectionism, and these reasons can vary significantly and be entirely unique to the individual. For many, their drive to be “perfect” could have been a survival tactic, perhaps the people pleasing was a strategy in avoiding abuse, maybe these standards weren’t your own but social pressures placed on you, or maybe striving for perfectionism stems from your desire for a sense of control in the midst of a chaotic environment. Wherever it grew from, whatever reinforced these patterns, it is worthwhile (of course if it’s safe to do so and with support) to explore and seek nuance. There is power in learning to live in the gray. Whatever this looks like for you, try starting with small steps while being gentle and kind with yourself. As 20th century political theorist, Hananh Arendt said: “In order to go on living, one must try to escape the death involved in perfectionism”.

What are some strategies you have used to unlearn or reject the myth of perfectionism? What’s been helpful and not so helpful in this process? What are some things you would share with others stuck in the myth of perfectionism? 

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House. 

Kelly J. D., 4th (2015). Your Best Life: Perfectionism–The Bane of Happiness. Clinical orthopaedics and related research, 473(10), 3108–3111. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11999-015-4279-9

Kuypers, L. M. (2011). The Zones of Regulation: A curriculum designed to foster self-regulation and emotional control. Social Thinking Publishing.

Neff, K.D., Knox, M.C. (2017). Self-Compassion. In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1159-1

Shafran, R., Cooper, Z., & Fairburn, C.G. (2002). Clinical perfectionism: a cognitive–behavioural analysis. Behaviour research and therapy, 40(7), 773-791. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7967(01)00059-6.